How to Overcome Perfectionism: 9 Best Tips From a Therapist
Takeaway: Perfectionistic behaviors can be helpful in some ways, but they can also be tied to feelings of loneliness, low self-esteem, and anxiety. Here, I’ll explain:
What perfectionism is,
Benefits and pitfalls of perfectionism, and
My top tips for overcoming perfectionism.
Let’s dive in.
Understanding perfectionism
If you're on a journey of overcoming perfectionism, it's likely that you already have a strong sense of what perfectionism is.
However, I'd like to take a moment to clearly define what perfectionism is, how it shows up, and where it can come from. This can help clear up any misconceptions and ensure that we have a mutual understanding moving forward.
First, the American Psychological Association (APA) defines perfectionism as having high (even unrealistic) expectations of oneself or others that may be out of proportion to the situation at hand.
While it's associated with mental health disorders like depression, anxiety, and eating disorders, it's not a diagnosis in and of itself. Instead, experts tend to view perfectionism as a personality trait or set of behavior patterns.
Perfectionism can look different from person to person, and its presentation may also depend on factors like age, gender, culture, and more. However, common signs of perfectionism include
High attention to detail,
Difficulty letting things go if they're not done a certain way,
All-or-nothing thinking,
Low self-esteem,
Frequently seeing approval or reassurance from others,
Procrastinating tasks if they cannot be done exactly right,
and more.
There's no singular cause of perfectionism. A person may develop perfectionist tendencies in response to traumatic childhood events, or they may be genetically predisposed to have this kind of personality (or both).
Benefits & pitfalls of perfectionistic tendencies
If you struggle with perfectionist behavior, you may have a tendency to get down on yourself for not doing something "right." This can show up in the form of negative self-talk, low self-esteem, and more.
You may even notice yourself applying your perfectionistic thoughts to your healing journey. You may think that striving for change isn't worth it if you can't change your personality or remove your perfectionism entirely. (There's that all-or-nothing thinking I mentioned earlier.)
This is a time to bring yourself some compassion. Your perfectionism exists for a reason, and it's brought you this far in your life.
At the same time, it's also true that perfectionists tend to face struggles like mental health problems, relationship challenges, and other painful issues that can impact their quality of life.
Let's take a look at the common benefits and pitfalls of perfectionistic behavior to practice pushing back against all-or-nothing thinking.
| Benefits | Pitfalls |
|---|---|
| Being highly motivated | Low self-worth |
| Reaching goals | Trouble accepting self and others due to high expectations |
| Receiving praise for your accomplishments | Fear of failure |
| Protection from uncomfortable emotions | Burnout |
| Desire for constant growth and improvement | Stress-related physical symptoms like stomach issues, sleep problems, and more |
How to overcome perfectionism: A beginner’s guide for all ages
Now that we share an understanding of what exactly perfectionism is, let's discuss the healing process.
First, it's natural to have a desire to overcome perfectionism. At the same time, I want to challenge you (again) to confront your all-or-nothing thinking. It's unrealistic to expect yourself to change into a different person and leave your perfectionistic behaviors behind for good. As we discovered above, there are plenty of good reasons to be a perfectionist!
Instead, let's shift the focus to healing from the pain of pressuring yourself to be perfect. Think about what you're working toward: is it stronger relationships? Higher self-esteem? More peace and ease in your daily life? Focusing so much on "not being a perfectionist" can make it easy to forget about what you actually want to be instead.
This process is a journey, one that's often lifelong. You won't change overnight, but these helpful tips can act as a starting point to help you begin your journey.
Helping children overcome perfectionism
People of all ages can experience perfectionism. It's important to focus on strategies that are developmentally appropriate for each age group. The tips in this section can be used to help little ones who are struggling with perfectionism.
Focus on effort over outcomes.
Do you find yourself reserving comments like "Good job!" only for when your child does something right? If so, I'd like to gently challenge you to focus on effort over outcomes. Pay special attention to when your little one tries a new activity or persists when their first attempts don't work out.
Make sure to offer positive reinforcement for the effort they put in regardless of the end result. This may sound like, “I saw you really trying to learn that new soccer skill. Learning something new can be tricky, right? I am so proud of you for continuing to try and not giving up. Practice is how we learn.”
Model imperfection.
Our culture places an immense amount of pressure on parents. You may feel this external pressure or identify as a perfectionist yourself. Regardless, it can go a long way in both your healing journey and your little one's journey to show them real-life examples of you embracing imperfection.
Research shows that perfectionism in parents can be associated with their children demonstrating perfectionistic behaviors (check out this case study). My goal for sharing this isn’t to shame parents–rather, I want to empower parents to confront their own perfectionistic tendencies to support the healing journey of both themselves and their children.
Offer coping skills.
Getting comfortable with being anything less than perfect can be a struggle. Offer your child some comfort by teaching coping skills like belly breathing to help them calm down in tense or uncomfortable moments.
Helping teens overcome perfectionism
Many of the skills used with children can also apply to teens. However, teens are also better equipped for some higher-level skills. Here are more strategies to add to their repertoire.
Encourage activities that are just for fun.
Competitive activities like sports or academic clubs can be healthy, but it's also important to encourage your teen to do activities that are purely for enjoyment. Not everything needs to be in pursuit of a goal or line to add to their college applications.
Pay attention to self-talk.
If you notice your teen using negative self-talk, offer a gentle correction or positive alternative. This is also a great opportunity to hone in on your own self-talk. Pay attention to whether you talk down to yourself out loud in front of your teen and challenge yourself to find something nice to say.
Consider the role of social media.
If your teen spends a lot of time on their phone, they can easily get caught up in comparing themselves to others they see online. This can fuel their existing perfectionistic tendencies and contribute to low self-esteem. Consider having screen time limits or encouraging your teen to only follow accounts that make them feel good about themselves.
Overcoming perfectionism for adults
Adults can benefit from all of the strategies we've discussed so far. In fact, some of the previous skills can be a good place to start if you're just beginning your healing journey. However, if you're ready to take it a step further, try one of these.
Challenge your definition of success.
Many of us buy into a conventional idea of success (think: graduate college, get a high-paying job, get married, have kids, etc.) without critically thinking about whether we actually want those things. If you feel like you're constantly falling short, it may be worth reevaluating your definition of success.
Let yourself fail.
It's okay to be bad at things! Challenge yourself to try a new activity and let yourself be a beginner. Forgive yourself for not keeping a perfectly tidy house. If you've set up your life in a way that requires "perfection," you may be robbing yourself of the opportunity to build resilience. Purposefully expose yourself to situations where you may fail and work through those feelings as they come up.
Practice self-acceptance.
Self-acceptance may not come naturally. Instead, you can treat it as a skill that requires practice. Try a guided loving kindness meditation or fill out this self-compassion workbook to help you build that mental muscle.
Read about healing perfectionism.
You’ve already started doing this by reading this blog post! There are tons of other great resources out there for learning more about perfectionism, where it comes from, and how to heal from it. One of my favorites is When Perfect Isn't Good Enough: Strategies for Coping with Perfectionism by Martin M. Antony, Ph.D. and Richard P. Swinson, M.D.
Working with a therapist can help you (and your child or teen) overcome perfectionism.
These skills can help people of all ages overcome perfectionism. At the same time, they're not a replacement for working with a mental health professional.
In therapy, you can get to the root cause of your perfectionistic behaviors. Armed with this knowledge, you'll be able to learn personalized tools to help you accept yourself just as you are: messy parts and all.
Plus, therapy can help you heal from mental health issues that are often associated with perfectionism, including anxiety, depression, obsessive-compulsive disorder (OCD), and more.
As a therapist in the greater Los Angeles area, I help children, teens, and adults manage perfectionism. I focus on building strong, trusting therapeutic relationships with each person I work with. Combined with this support and the use of evidence-based techniques, I know healing is possible for you, too.
Those who struggle with perfectionism tend to be serious and hard on themselves. That's why I bring a sense of lightness, playfulness, and curiosity to this work. I want to help you find the joy in being yourself and being fully seen by another person.
If you feel we could be a good fit for each other or would like to learn more about working together, I invite you to reach out.
